Approaching a Family Member About Alcohol or Drug Use: 15 Messages
If you're here, you probably feel overwhelmed with concern and don't know where to begin. You're not alone, and bringing up this topic can be tough. Here’s how to start the conversation with compassion, offering support rather than judgment.
I’ve noticed some changes, and I’m worried about you. Can we talk about what’s been going on?
Lead with concern, not accusation. Timing matters — choose a peaceful moment.
I love you and I'm here to support you. If you’re up for it, I’d like to discuss how things have been lately.
I care about your well-being and am concerned about how much you’ve been drinking lately. Can we chat?
This isn’t easy to bring up, but I’ve been worried about your health. Let’s talk about what’s happening.
I’m here to listen and help. Whenever you’re ready, I’d like to talk about what’s been going on.
Reassure them they can choose the timing and setting.
I've noticed you're going through a tough time. Want to share what's been on your mind?
I've seen some changes that worry me. I’m here to help — let’s figure this out together.
Use 'together' to emphasize teamwork and unity.
I’m not here to judge. I miss the old times with you and want to help however I can.
If there's anything you want to talk about, know that I'm here and ready to listen.
I’ve been missing our usual hangouts. Are you okay, and is there anything you want to talk about?
I want to make sure you're okay. Can we catch up soon and talk about how things have been?
I value you and your health. I’m worried about what I’ve been seeing, and I want to support you.
You’re important to me, and I’ve seen some things that concern me. Can we talk?
I'm here for you, no matter what. Whenever you’re ready, we can talk about anything.
You mean a lot to me, and I’ve been worried. Can we have a conversation about everything?
No messages match those filters — try widening one. Or build a custom message for your exact situation.
What not to say
- ✗ "You’re ruining your life."
It sounds accusatory and may push them away instead of encouraging open dialogue.
- ✗ "Why can’t you just stop?"
This oversimplifies the struggle with addiction and shows a lack of understanding.
- ✗ "You’re being selfish."
Creates defensiveness and ignores the complexity of substance use issues.
- ✗ "Everyone is talking about this."
Invokes shame and betrayal rather than fostering a supportive conversation.
- ✗ "I can't believe you're doing this to us."
Centers the issue on yourself rather than their well-being and support.
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When is the best time to talk to them about this?
Choose a calm, quiet moment when neither of you is distracted or stressed. Avoid times when they are under the influence, as this may not lead to a productive conversation.
Should I involve other family members in the conversation?
It depends on the dynamics. Sometimes a one-on-one talk is more effective, but if others are directly affected or they have a close bond, involving them can offer more support. Ensure everyone is on the same page.
How can I support them without enabling their behavior?
Set clear boundaries about what behaviors you cannot support. Offer your help in seeking professional resources or attending meetings rather than providing financial aid that might fund their habits.
What if they refuse to acknowledge the problem?
Stay calm and express your concern without judgment. Sometimes it takes multiple conversations. Continue to offer your support and suggest professional help when they're ready.